You know the feeling we are talking about. Your friend calls to ask for your help moving on a Saturday when you were planning on doing nothing. Or your sister-in-law asks you to invest in her business, and you are afraid there is no way it will succeed. Even when the person asking for the favor isn’t someone central to your life, it is still painful to say no. Most of us don’t even like saying no to telemarketers. That’s why there are so many jobs in sales. Often, we end up making bad decisions to avoid the short-term discomfort of turning people down.
Look, we agree—saying no is hard. The good news is that a little preparation and practice will make it easier. Even if you are one of those people that dreads it.
We will look at different kinds of ‘no’s’ that are appropriate in different situations. Sometimes, there is a clear answer, and you want the other person to accept your offer without complaint. Your kids, for example, should know there is no argument about bedtime. Your boss needs to accept that you can’t work late anymore after coming back from maternity leave. The sooner they accept the reality, the happier everyone will be.
Other times, you might be willing to be persuaded. You like the job offer, but the salary could be better. In that case, you might want to say no in a way that encourages them to try again or try harder.
You Can Say No Nicely
While being able to give a flat, unequivocable no is an important skill to develop, it’s not the goal. Usually, we want to be more polite, even if we find another’s proposal unattractive. Why? Because we never know when we will want to revisit that now-closed door. Preserving the relationship can allow a chance to revisit in the future, and we always like to maintain future opportunities if possible.
The standard way to be respectful is to help someone learn why you aren’t interested. Here’s the problem with that: When you tell the reason you are turning them down, you give them information that they can use to make another appeal or proposal. Let’s say you are a young unattached woman. A guy asks you to go to dinner at the local barbeque joint, but you aren’t interested in him. If you tell him, “No thanks, I am a vegetarian,” there’s nothing stopping him from saying, “OK, so why don’t we go to Tofu Town?” Now it’s harder to say no, because you’ve given an inaccurate reason for your refusal.
So instead of giving your reasoning, let’s discuss other ways that you can give a nice no. For those of you who have discomfort with no, this may be a balm for that, because it allows you to exit gracefully (but still unequivocally).
Be Polite
Thank them for asking. And you can apologize that you don’t have a different answer. “That is so kind of you. I appreciate your asking. I’m sorry but I can’t say yes.” The strength of your answer doesn’t require you to be rude. What makes it emphatic is that you give them a clear, inarguable response.
“It’s Not You, It’s Me.”
Your reasons don’t have to imply a negative judgment. Don’t let your reason have anything to do with them. It is only about you and your preferences. If someone offers you a job and you aren’t interested, you might say:
- “I’m dedicated to my current team.”
- “I’m on a good trajectory and am not interested in moving.”
And our favorite: I’m so grateful, but it’s not the right time for a move.”
None of these present a good opportunity for them to try again. When you consider possible responses to shut down further efforts to persuade you to say yes to a request, try to imagine a workaround. Use obstacles that can’t be solved or resolved rather than something like, “Sorry, I’m not interested in a lateral move,” because they could suggest an elevated position.
Keep Your Reasons Vague
The more information you give the other person about a problem, the easier it is for them to think of a solution. If you are not looking for a solution, provide as little information as possible. Keep your response short and to the point. If they ask for more information, remember, you are under no obligation to share it.
- “I’m so grateful but it’s not the right time for a move.”
- “How come?”
- “There are some exciting internal opportunities, but I’m not at liberty to discuss them.”
If they keep pressing you, push back more firmly. “I’m afraid you will have to accept my decision as final.”
Now, sometimes people do sincerely want feedback on why their offer wasn’t good enough. Remember that you never have to, but if you want to provide that feedback, feel free to do so—just be cautious about offering them an opening to try to draw you back into a negotiation. In addition, be kind when offering the feedback.
Make Suggestions for Their Alternative
A colleague of ours works with a speaker’s bureau. She gives talks at big speaking events and conventions. She is extremely well paid and charges a standard fee. Occasionally, a potential client will try to bargain her fee down. She tells them, “The speaker’s bureau I work with charges all my clients the same rate so I can treat everyone fairly. I know I may not be the right choice for everyone’s budget. I can suggest some of my younger colleagues who do an excellent job and are more affordable.”
There are several reasons why this works. First, it’s clear that you aren’t engaging in a bargaining ploy. Someone who is genuinely interested in a speaking engagement doesn’t suggest the competition. So, the customer knows she isn’t bluffing. Second, while rejecting the offer, she is trying to fill the client’s need. And it gives her the chance to potentially push some work to deserving younger colleagues.
Excerpted from NEVER SETTLE. Copyright © 2026, John Richardson and Attia Qureshi. Reproduced by permission of Simon Acumen, an imprint of Simon & Schuster. All rights reserved.
